They might be lurking in the cubicle
next to you or lounging in a cushy corner office. They could be e-nagging you
daily or haunting your dreams at night. That’s right, the people you work with
have the power to influence, annoy, inspire, and scare the living daylights out
of you (work nightmares, anyone?).
Since you’re stuck with them 40 hours
a week (at least!) you might as well understand them. We’ve come up with a
field guide to the most common species of coworkers, no matter where you work.
These types transcend every type of workplace — we guarantee you’ll find
a few you recognize.
1.
The mommy: Despite the fact that the office is full of grown-ups, The
Mommy (and they can be female or male — trust us) still thinks they’re there to
take care of everybody, physically and mentally. Always the first one to give
you some outdated health advice when you get the sniffles or comfort you
awkwardly when you weren’t even feeling bad in the first place, The Mommy is there to help, whether you
want it or not.
2.
The gossip: Maybe there was some mistake in the hiring process,
because The Gossip seems to be under the
impression that their entire job description is “talking about other people.”
Unfortunately for you, The Gossip
lives for the latest office scandal, whether it’s actually true or not. The
Gossip spends their days listening in on conversations, dropping hints, and
tarnishing reputations. The most dangerous part about the Gossip is that they
are everywhere. No conversation is safe when the Gossip is within earshot (they
may pretend they’re listening to music on their headphones, but we know better.)
3.
The slacker: Think about it: Have you ever seen this person
actually working hard? Ever? We thought so! Your office enemy is an expert at
working hard to get absolutely nothing done. No matter what it takes, The Slacker will make sure someone else
is breaking a sweat.
4.
The suck up: Doing all that hard work just doesn’t seem to get you
the credit, right? Sounds familiar. Let us introduce you to the human leech —
also known as The Suck-Up. While
making friends with the higher-ups is their highest priority, they don’t seem
to care at all what their coworkers think.
5.
The complainer: No job is too big or too small for the complainer to
whine about. Whether things are so slow that they’re dying of boredom or so
busy they’re going to go insane, you’re sure to hear about it.
6.
The
control freak: Control
freaks have absolutely no sense of proportion in the workplace. From the
official (mandatory!) font of company memos to how the dishwasher should be
organized, they’re sure to have an opinion, and they’re sure to demand that you
follow it. Their actions are demeaning and annoying because their actions say,
“You’re incompetent” and “I can’t trust you” all at once.
7.
Smiling backstabber: The Smiling
Backstabber is one of the worst office types you’ll ever have the
misfortune to encounter. At least most mean people are nice enough to make
their bad characters obvious so you can avoid them. The Smiling Backstabber pretends to be your friend just long enough to
make it really hurt when they steal your ideas or badmouth you to management.
Nothing’s worse than betrayal, right? Well, this person is an absolute master
at it, so watch out.
8.
The ray of
sunshine: More than ready to accuse you of having a case of The Mondays
if you’re looking less than totally thrilled, The Ray of Sunshine is perky at all times, no matter what. While we
can’t fault them for having a positive spirit, all that enthusiasm can honestly
get a little … tiring … sometimes. Does this person ever have a bad day? Or get
angry at a malfunctioning printer? Are they even human? It’s honestly hard to
tell sometimes.
9.
The
hero: The Hero is simply
amazing — they stay late, create stunning projects, reduce costs, and generally
make the company a better place to work. Gets kind of tiring just watching The Hero in action, right? While it’s
easy to be overcome with jealousy at the mere sight of this person, try not to
let the green monster eat you up. The
Hero likely has problems of their own that they just aren’t sharing.
10.
The
jargon user: The Jargon User is usually management — and they
stay on top of their treetop perch by using big, scary-sounding words to
frighten and awe their minions. The trouble is, most of these words are usually
meaningless and in some cases they are just used to hide ignorance or
helplessness. Besides, The Jargon User
is a huge blow to workplace productivity — nearly 75% of people say they spend
more than an hour each week just trying to decode what their Jargon User is even saying.
11.
The
too much information (TMI) sharer: Hot date last night?
Embarrassing health issues? Dramatic family problems? Whatever it is, your
coworker is more than happy to fill you in. The TMI Sharer just doesn’t seem to have learned what’s appropriate for
the workplace and doesn’t seem to care much that other people aren’t
interested. While having a view into someone’s (very) private life can be
entertaining sometimes, it’s mostly just annoying, and certainly not very
professional.
12.
The
sexpot: This person has clearly
not figured out what’s appropriate attire for work and is perhaps under the
impression that they work in a nightclub. While occasionally it may seem like
this person was planted by upper management to test compliance with your
company’s sexual harassment policies, they’re really just more clueless than
the average employee. Either that, or they just can’t get enough attention. No
matter what, get ready for an eyeful.
13.
The chatterbox: Talk. Talk talk talk talk talk. That’s pretty much all
The Chatterbox does. Whether anyone
is listening or not, The Chatterbox definitely
has a lot to say. One of those people who just can’t keep their thoughts to
themselves, this specimen thinks you might care to be informed about every
single thing that goes through their head.
14.
The schmoozer: The Schmoozer thinks that everyone at work should be their buddy,
even if they don’t know it yet. Born to network, this person doesn’t just like
you — they love you. At least for a day or two, or until they figure out that
you can’t help them get ahead, and then they’re on to kissing up to someone a
little higher up the ladder. Fake friends are the worst, especially at work,
when most of us need all the allies we can get.
15.
Clueless: What Clueless does
best is look completely, totally baffled. The simplest tasks, the easiest
procedures — anything can flummox Clueless.
It’s a wonder they can even find their way to work in the mornings. While
sometimes you might think they must be kidding, it’s all too true: Clueless just has no idea how to do the
job. And, unfortunately, you’re going to have to pick up the slack. While it
can be entertaining to watch their more spectacular failures, cleaning up after
Clueless can get old extraordinarily
quickly
16.
The oldtimer: Around since the company was founded (or maybe it just
seems that way), The Bitter Oldtimer
has definitely seen it all, and they’re not scared to tell you all about it.
One has to wonder why they’re still at the job. In the long run, though, they
can turn your optimism and can-do spirit into the same bitter regrets that they
sport, killing your own enjoyment of your job. Attitudes can be contagious.
17.
The young
hopeful: So recently-hired or
-graduated they’ve practically got that new employee smell, The Young Hopeful is there to shake
things up, turn things around, and drive the company to a bright new future.
Too bad you stopped caring years ago. Every day, this character is a living
reminder of how you used to be when you started out, and who wants that? You’ve
worked hard to be the bitter shell of a person you are now.
Source: CP
